Am I just being a brat?

Should I just look at others who have it worse? Should I not feel jipped that my Mom died when I was only 21? Should I listen to my Dad who said "at least you had her for that long, and at least you didn't NEED a mother to raise you anymore". Like, I really miss being mothered. I miss the little things that she did for me. I miss the little treats she would make for me. I miss the things that she would think of and then have to tell me. Like, "here are some towels, you might need extra" and stuff like that. I feel so alone now and no one does those things for me anymore. Don't get me wrong, my Daddy is a great Daddy when he is not saying silly things like I don't need a mother. But, I really miss having a Mommy. a lot. A ton. So much that I don't think I ever really deal with it. I always tell myself that I shouldn't feel so jipped because there are kids who lose their moms everyday and they are a hell of a lot younger. I know that, but I miss MY Mommy. No one loved me like my Mom and now she's gone forever. That sucks.

I hate thinking about how my future kids won't have a grandma on my side and they won't ever know her. I hate thinking about how great she would be with them.

I hate seeing my friends talk to their Moms everyday and have their Moms do their wedding invitations and shit like that. I hate that they don't seem to realize that when they talk about their Moms and all their their Moms do for them, that I don't have that and I hate it. I've gotten the vibe from a few people that it's not really a big deal that I don't have a Mom. I mean, I'm an adult and it's sad, but I should be fine. yea right.

I don't tell a lot of people that my Mom has passed away. If the topic of my parents come up, I talk about them like they are both still around and they still live in my hometown and stuff. I don't go out of my way to correct them and be like, well, just my Dad still lives there, Mom had cancer and was sick for a really long time and then she died and my whole life changed forever.

I get the feeling that a lot of my co-workers (the older ones) act like I'm so young and inexperienced and don't have a whole lot to complain about. ya know what I mean? Like, shit, I'm only in my twenties, don't have a family yet, I have a decent job, what do I have to complain about?? I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I've dealt with a lot of shit that they have most likely not (they all manage to complain about their aging parents). they can eat my ass and keep on judging me, those fuckers! I wonder if it would even make a difference. They probably wouldn't get how much I have been through and that my mom getting cancer 3 times isn't that terrible or some shit.

death and shit

I had a dream last night and in it, I was in my grandparents' house and I was crying. I have not yet cried at all about my Grandma. But I was crying for her in two dreams now. So weird. I feel like I need to address her death, but I feel like I haven't totally addressed my mother's so how can I deal with Grandma's?? I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this, either. Everyone else I know still has their parents and a Grandparent left. No one gets it.

how do you grieve?

So I don't know how to grieve. Does that make any sense? I really don't. I just push all the pain aside. It's so easy to just push it aside. It's so easy, it's scary. My mom died seven years ago of cancer when I was 21 and my Grandma died a month ago. My Grandma's death brought a bunch of emotions to the surface that I thought I blocked pretty well. Guess not!

I've searched for books on the subject of grieving but they all seem to be for people who pretty much already know how to do it.

I guess there isn't really a "how to" guide for it, though.

I can't help but compare myself to all of my friends who still have their Moms around. And if they're lucky, their Grandmothers, too. They just do not understand how much it sucks. And I guess I don't expect them to. Sometimes, I get moody. Because I have to go home and listen to my Dad talk about himself and retirement or something and I know it wouldn't be like that if Mommy was around. I tell my friends about it and they just say that I need to be there for my Dad. Yea well, he needed to be there for me and my sister and he wasn't! (emotionally).

So then I start to feel guilty for feeling these things cuz he is a great Dad. And on top of all this, I block the bad feelings I sometimes have about my Mom and then I feel guilty and then, well, I don't grieve!

I really hope someome can share their experiences or something with me and make me feel a little less... I don't know.... selfish? I feel pretty selfish for complaining about things that everyone has to deal with in life.