So I don't know how to grieve. Does that make any sense? I really don't. I just push all the pain aside. It's so easy to just push it aside. It's so easy, it's scary. My mom died seven years ago of cancer when I was 21 and my Grandma died a month ago. My Grandma's death brought a bunch of emotions to the surface that I thought I blocked pretty well. Guess not!
I've searched for books on the subject of grieving but they all seem to be for people who pretty much already know how to do it.
I guess there isn't really a "how to" guide for it, though.
I can't help but compare myself to all of my friends who still have their Moms around. And if they're lucky, their Grandmothers, too. They just do not understand how much it sucks. And I guess I don't expect them to. Sometimes, I get moody. Because I have to go home and listen to my Dad talk about himself and retirement or something and I know it wouldn't be like that if Mommy was around. I tell my friends about it and they just say that I need to be there for my Dad. Yea well, he needed to be there for me and my sister and he wasn't! (emotionally).
So then I start to feel guilty for feeling these things cuz he is a great Dad. And on top of all this, I block the bad feelings I sometimes have about my Mom and then I feel guilty and then, well, I don't grieve!
I really hope someome can share their experiences or something with me and make me feel a little less... I don't know.... selfish? I feel pretty selfish for complaining about things that everyone has to deal with in life.
1 comment:
Oh Jaime, please don't feel guilty about the way you deal with your Mum and your Grandma's passing. I wouldn't recommend grieving books as your grief is entirely yours and you're entitled to deal with it any way you like and feel comfortable with. And no, it isn't selfish to feel the way you do. Please know that.
When my Dad went away, not only did I not cry for months afterward, I felt angry at him for leaving me and frustrated because I couldn't share my grief with him. It's only natural. I comforted my Mum and siblings for the longest while and was surprised at how strong I was. I even stopped many of my friends from visiting me when I was at my family's following Dad's passing. But the truth is; I was slowly falling apart and breaking from within. The wall that I'd built around myself made it harder for anyone to reach out to me so I could talk. That is part of the reason why I started my blog.
And if I may, please don't ignore your Dad. Chances are he talks about stuff to push the pain away. After all, he lost someone he loved, fought with, grew older with and had you and your sister with. You need to do it together as a family. Letting go isn't easy and it can hardly ever be done alone. Forgive your Dad for not being there for you as in unfortunate situations like these, people rarely ever know how to react and he must've been just as lost and confused as you and your sister were.
Feel free to write to me if you wish to talk and share.
Oh, and welcome to the blog world :)
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