death and shit

I had a dream last night and in it, I was in my grandparents' house and I was crying. I have not yet cried at all about my Grandma. But I was crying for her in two dreams now. So weird. I feel like I need to address her death, but I feel like I haven't totally addressed my mother's so how can I deal with Grandma's?? I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this, either. Everyone else I know still has their parents and a Grandparent left. No one gets it.

how do you grieve?

So I don't know how to grieve. Does that make any sense? I really don't. I just push all the pain aside. It's so easy to just push it aside. It's so easy, it's scary. My mom died seven years ago of cancer when I was 21 and my Grandma died a month ago. My Grandma's death brought a bunch of emotions to the surface that I thought I blocked pretty well. Guess not!

I've searched for books on the subject of grieving but they all seem to be for people who pretty much already know how to do it.

I guess there isn't really a "how to" guide for it, though.

I can't help but compare myself to all of my friends who still have their Moms around. And if they're lucky, their Grandmothers, too. They just do not understand how much it sucks. And I guess I don't expect them to. Sometimes, I get moody. Because I have to go home and listen to my Dad talk about himself and retirement or something and I know it wouldn't be like that if Mommy was around. I tell my friends about it and they just say that I need to be there for my Dad. Yea well, he needed to be there for me and my sister and he wasn't! (emotionally).

So then I start to feel guilty for feeling these things cuz he is a great Dad. And on top of all this, I block the bad feelings I sometimes have about my Mom and then I feel guilty and then, well, I don't grieve!

I really hope someome can share their experiences or something with me and make me feel a little less... I don't know.... selfish? I feel pretty selfish for complaining about things that everyone has to deal with in life.