who cares, srsly.

I was searching through blogs looking for anything interesting and if I see one more "Look at my baby growing up and having playdates!!" blogs I'm gonna spew all over town.

Who has the time for that shit? aren't new moms sleep deprived and shit? apparently not. ick i don't know why it annoys me so damn much. it just makes me cringe though. is that bad? that's bad. nah, it's not bad, those blogs are LAME! and no one cares about your baby's playdates! and why the hell are they called playdates????!??!! when I was little, I went over Megan's house. It wasn't no damn playdate. I went to her house to play nintendo and my mom didn't have to call her mom to arrange a "playdate." I walked to her house, ate her good snacks, and walked home. none of that playdate shit. what the fuck? srsly.

Whoops, totally fucked up the spacing on that last post.

It sucks.

My friend's Mom is really sick-- she has cancer of the blood, infection has set in and the doctors say there's a chance she won't make it. I keep praying every day like crazy for her.



All I keep thinking is that it's the worst thing ever- to lose a Mom. I just keep thinking about my friend, Jenn, and how devastating it would be if her Mom died (obviously). They are really close and Jenn doesn't have ANY extended family (her parents were both only children).



And of course all I keep thinking about is how much it sucks to not have a Mom and how I much I don't want my friend Jenn to ever know the feeling. Of course, after your Mom dies, nothing is ever the same. Everything seems to have this overall suckiness. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (eventhough I don't think I have any, but really, who does? really.)



Anyway, I'm praying for Jenn's Mom and her whole family. I start crying when I think about how incredibly sad it would be if anything happened to her Mom.



It's so sucky and no one really knows if they haven't experienced it.



I feel like everyone knows how sad and horrible it is, but no one really knows the pain unless they've been through it. ya know?



I always wonder what life would be like if Mommy were still here. I can't even imagine it because I'm so used to her not being here. She died when I was in college. I was a partying, selfish asshole. I feel like she died at the most selfish point in my life. It sucks to think about how shitty I was back then. Maybe I still am. hahaha shit.



Now... I've been a teacher for 7 years, I live on my own, pay my own bills, and I feel like I'm a completely different and more mature person than the one that she knew.



It sucks to think about. I think she would be amazed that me and my sis turned out pretty damn good. Cuz we were pretty damn annoying in our teens and early twenties. And then she just died, before we got a chance to really get to know each other. does that make any sense?



It fucking sucks.



About a week after my Mom died, I went to my friend, Rick's house. Rick's Dad died about two years before my Mom died. When I walked in and saw his Mom, she looks at me and goes, "It sucks, doesn't it?"



Spoken like someone who truly knows just how much it sucks. No one has ever said anything more true about my Mom's death than Rick's Mom. So many assholes have said shit like "Oh you know she's watching" and crap like that. No I don't know she's watching and listen shit head, she probably isn't. Would you wanna watch this craphole of a life if you were up there? I'd much rather frolick around heaven with all the cats. Cuz there are lots of soft cats in my heaven.



Anyway, I gotta go get ready for my observation that will determine whether or not I still have a job. AHHHHH!!!!

Am I just being a brat?

Should I just look at others who have it worse? Should I not feel jipped that my Mom died when I was only 21? Should I listen to my Dad who said "at least you had her for that long, and at least you didn't NEED a mother to raise you anymore". Like, I really miss being mothered. I miss the little things that she did for me. I miss the little treats she would make for me. I miss the things that she would think of and then have to tell me. Like, "here are some towels, you might need extra" and stuff like that. I feel so alone now and no one does those things for me anymore. Don't get me wrong, my Daddy is a great Daddy when he is not saying silly things like I don't need a mother. But, I really miss having a Mommy. a lot. A ton. So much that I don't think I ever really deal with it. I always tell myself that I shouldn't feel so jipped because there are kids who lose their moms everyday and they are a hell of a lot younger. I know that, but I miss MY Mommy. No one loved me like my Mom and now she's gone forever. That sucks.

I hate thinking about how my future kids won't have a grandma on my side and they won't ever know her. I hate thinking about how great she would be with them.

I hate seeing my friends talk to their Moms everyday and have their Moms do their wedding invitations and shit like that. I hate that they don't seem to realize that when they talk about their Moms and all their their Moms do for them, that I don't have that and I hate it. I've gotten the vibe from a few people that it's not really a big deal that I don't have a Mom. I mean, I'm an adult and it's sad, but I should be fine. yea right.

I don't tell a lot of people that my Mom has passed away. If the topic of my parents come up, I talk about them like they are both still around and they still live in my hometown and stuff. I don't go out of my way to correct them and be like, well, just my Dad still lives there, Mom had cancer and was sick for a really long time and then she died and my whole life changed forever.

I get the feeling that a lot of my co-workers (the older ones) act like I'm so young and inexperienced and don't have a whole lot to complain about. ya know what I mean? Like, shit, I'm only in my twenties, don't have a family yet, I have a decent job, what do I have to complain about?? I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I've dealt with a lot of shit that they have most likely not (they all manage to complain about their aging parents). they can eat my ass and keep on judging me, those fuckers! I wonder if it would even make a difference. They probably wouldn't get how much I have been through and that my mom getting cancer 3 times isn't that terrible or some shit.

death and shit

I had a dream last night and in it, I was in my grandparents' house and I was crying. I have not yet cried at all about my Grandma. But I was crying for her in two dreams now. So weird. I feel like I need to address her death, but I feel like I haven't totally addressed my mother's so how can I deal with Grandma's?? I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of this, either. Everyone else I know still has their parents and a Grandparent left. No one gets it.

how do you grieve?

So I don't know how to grieve. Does that make any sense? I really don't. I just push all the pain aside. It's so easy to just push it aside. It's so easy, it's scary. My mom died seven years ago of cancer when I was 21 and my Grandma died a month ago. My Grandma's death brought a bunch of emotions to the surface that I thought I blocked pretty well. Guess not!

I've searched for books on the subject of grieving but they all seem to be for people who pretty much already know how to do it.

I guess there isn't really a "how to" guide for it, though.

I can't help but compare myself to all of my friends who still have their Moms around. And if they're lucky, their Grandmothers, too. They just do not understand how much it sucks. And I guess I don't expect them to. Sometimes, I get moody. Because I have to go home and listen to my Dad talk about himself and retirement or something and I know it wouldn't be like that if Mommy was around. I tell my friends about it and they just say that I need to be there for my Dad. Yea well, he needed to be there for me and my sister and he wasn't! (emotionally).

So then I start to feel guilty for feeling these things cuz he is a great Dad. And on top of all this, I block the bad feelings I sometimes have about my Mom and then I feel guilty and then, well, I don't grieve!

I really hope someome can share their experiences or something with me and make me feel a little less... I don't know.... selfish? I feel pretty selfish for complaining about things that everyone has to deal with in life.